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Sourdough Star

Love, the ultimate road buzz

Updated: Jan 19

I feel incredibly loved today. All of it. The whole day was and continues to feels like I am loved and it is easy to do so. I rarely get to spend the entire day with the person I love. Today I got to. We spent it on the road doing a thing that only benefitted me.

Earlier this year, in absolute Jéhan fashion, I began to reexamine my intimate relationships. This world is unlike anything I could've imagined back when I was hopeful. Younger me didn't know what lay ahead. At some point I mortgaged property in the idea that life meant a hetero marriage, kids, house, job. Now I know that it varies. Especially for me.

Growing older has taught me just how different I am. Not because I want to be. In this body, with these experiences, my life is one lined with stories and stitched into patterns with scraps and mud. The love that extends from this life is .. different. It's a love I deserved and didn't receive. It's a love that requires maintenence. One that asks difficult asks of itself and the receiver like, who is this love for?

I watched an interview with a pro athlete who said he hated receiving gifts because they're always about the giver feeling good. There was more, but that's the gist. It made me so sad; this dark-skinned grown ass young man who is performing at an extraordinary level, has this relationship of hatred with gifts. My relationship with gifts is historically complicated but has aged like a delicious parmesean. BUT giving gifts that the person will love simply because they will love them.

I was in a relationship where the person I loved, loved giving gifts. They also loved poetry. So I bought them this book of poetry by one of their favorite poets. I made sure to buy multiple copies so they could give them away to people. Rarely do I receive a gift I love. Less rarely but still so, do I receive a love that resonates with the knowing I crave.

That's what so unique about this person and this love. It's not new to me. We've loved each other for awhile now. The first revelation declared on a day when I was immobilized by the excruciating pain of menstruation. Together we lay on my bed. My laying was more of a constricted writhing due to this genetic curse on my uterus. After skipping out of the room to retrieve something for me, there was a skip back to my bedside with a kiss and a "love you!" Confused I lay there because it was a simple sharing. So simple I almost missed it. Later I text for confirmation.

Our love isn't unique. It's the same as yesterday's and willing to be the same tomorrow should tomorrow require the rewearing. It's a love I can feel and the feeling satiates.

Today was a day that felt normal. A day where I felt like an easy companion. Where I got to wear comfy clothes and not drive at all for the 10 hour trip (even though I was willing)! Where I got to search for small town coffee shops that would eventually be closed. Today was a day where we both pointed out the abundance of police cars with the oddly equal caution of an immigrant and melanated queer. Where we talked and listened to each other while Weird Al shuffled in the background.

Today was an absolutely normal love-filled day of adventure. Today was a day baby Jéhan could never have imagined. I feel so proud to have this life I've carved out there's so much space in the art of this carving. So grateful for space.

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